I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
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