why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
