I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
