okay pat passed out under dana's car
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
