my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
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