I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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