Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
