i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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