Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
