You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
