ugly people sure do ruin things
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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