Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The best revenge is premature balding
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Randomize
