we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
