My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
