Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my phone needs a breathalizer
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
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