I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
