"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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