Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
