I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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