found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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