this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
