And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
