I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Randomize
