This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
