I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
