so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Randomize
