Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
