Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
now i know why i became what i already was.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
