if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
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