Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
