After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
