So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
