I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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