She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
