and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
