My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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