When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
