i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
