If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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