Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize