i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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