I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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