Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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