White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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