I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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