You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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