i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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