my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
