Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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