I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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