I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
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