I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
