So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Randomize
