Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
