Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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