if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
