Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
