every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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