I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
