What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
