Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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